Parenting is a bit of a power trip, and the nicest parents are those who don’t abuse the power they have over their kids’ lives. Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which I reviewed for this paper a couple of weeks back, is a memoir of her life as an over-ambitious parent. The book’s causing a sharp intake of breath globally, but what disturbed me, personally, is that Chua is not the only hysterical parent out there.
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed reading the book, and I’m all for the reassurance and discipline that structure can give a child’s life. Heck, I even admired Chua’s take on western parenting, which, she says assumes fragility in the child; unlike the Asian style which assumes strength, and pushes the child to ‘succeed’. Nothing, she shreiks, is fun till you get good at it. So she pushes her two children to master the piano and the violin. At 3 years, when one defies her, she throws her out into the snow (and then begs her to come back). The older one goes on to play at the Carnegie Hall at 15, but used to, as a child, bite the piano’s legs out of stress.
I have a problem with parental ambition – you know, the sort where you try to fulfill your own dreams and make good your failures in life via your kids’ deeds. The moms I meet at school think that ours is a clear-cut case of parental neglect. One tells me that she has been ‘showing’ her kid was books of maths tables from the time he was 3; put him in Abacus classes by 4; keyboard classes (strangely, it’s called ‘piano’ these days) by 4.5; and of course, chess by 5. Another, the mom of a 7-year-old musically gifted child, takes him for Hindustani, Carnatic, and ‘piano’ classes on alternative days, after spending seven hours at school. I stop myself from saying, ‘What? No chess?’ and gawk when she adds, ‘If he finds it too much, I have told him to tell me.’ Yeah, right. See, kids live to please the adults who care for them. Practically everything is acceptable because they don’t know of an alternative. Which is why it’s crucial that we, as parents, calm the heck down.
Parents push young kids into ‘phonetics’, grammar, tuition, dance, music, Abacus, Vedic Maths, story-telling, taekwondo and chess these days, believing that they are ‘building their potential’ and ‘increasing their confidence’. In reality, being pressurized to do too much and to perform, can actually lead to anxiety early in life. More importantly, between school and the classes, what about precious, unstructured time? You know, play, for instance, where you interact with real human beings your own age and figure out the ways of the world? Increasingly, psychologists tell us that free, unstructured time – where you simply let children figure out ways to engage themselves – is one of the best gifts you can give your child. And if you think back, that’s how most of us grew up.
The real risk with parents who ‘do so much’ is that at some point they start expecting rewards for their ‘efforts’. Rewards mean certificates and public praise. And if those aren’t forthcoming, then the whole experience becomes a terrible pressure point. This happens to Chua’s daughter who gives up the violin after a final melt-down. The Guardian’s Terri Apter notes that over-parented children often grow up to be ‘compliant and devious’, ‘obsessed with grades and lacking interest in their subjects’.
The flip side of Chua’s nothing-is-fun-till-you’re-good-at-it principle, is simple: ‘You learn better when you’re having fun doing so’. Some of the joy of being a parent comes from discovering your child’s strengths – and weaknesses – as she grows up. Not from squeezing the last drop of energy and excitement out of him in the pursuit of some hidden talent!
A lesson indeed, for all of us post-globalization, aspirational, wanna-be-Tiger-Parents.